What's
the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
What's
the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
A
lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven.
He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps
and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden
harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than
anyone else. He asked, "Are all lawyers treated like this?" He was
answered, "We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!"
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer.
Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done.
I don't care how it looks, says Lucifer. I'm not doing anything.
You have to, says St. Peter. It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed.
I don't give a fig for any contract, says Lucifer, as you should know by now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything.
You have to, insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force
us to, we'll have to sue you.
Sue me? cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, Where are YOU
gonna get a lawyer?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?"
the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well...
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
2. Lawyers breed faster.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher, "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How
much for (other generic profession) brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
" Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A
BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
· 372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial)
purposes.
· 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.The
use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
· 372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited,
unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney
is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed
to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
· 372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
· 372.05 It is unlawful to shout 'Whiplash', 'Ambulance', or 'Free Scotch'
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
· 372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards
of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
· 372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards
of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
· 372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
· 372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician,
chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
· 372.10 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
· 372.11 Bag Limits Per Day
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
6. Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat - 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Q: What do you have when there is a lawyer up
to his neck in cement?
A: Not enough cement
A man and his alligator walk into a bar and
the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?"
"Of course we do," replied the bartender.
"Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer
for my gator."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the
grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back
to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people
in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother,
"Why would you think that?" "The 
tombstone
back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?
Skeet.
A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage."He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer."Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage."Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.""Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached."This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed."This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!""I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed."You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked."HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
Ingredients:
Scale ingredients to servings
1 3/4 oz white creme de cacao
1 3/4 oz maraschino liqueur
1 3/4 oz dry vermouth
Directions:
Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with
ice. Strain into a cocktail glass.
Serve in: Cocktail Glass
A guy phones his law office and says, "I
want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry
but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies,
"I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."